26/07/2014 § Leave a comment
She was standing before me, in her light blue floral dress and the heels that she had difficulty walking in. Despite looking out of place with all the twigs and dried leaves around her, she was glowing and more radiant than anything. She was brighter than the lights we hung suspended in the air and warmer than them too. She smelled more fragrant than the roses she was holding, but she wasn’t aware of it, and she wouldn’t believe it either. She was far beautiful than anything I’ve ever seen. And she was standing there for me, her presence makes me alive but the sight of her takes my breath away. It was contrasting but I can’t help it. The girl I love is right in front of me.
We were positioned in our made-up stage as we played my compositions. It was a set of three songs I wrote for her, and about her. We started to play and as our music filled the air, I sang the songs with ardor, as if it was the real deal. Mark was originally our vocalist, but we temporarily exchanged places this one time. I want to be the one to sing for her, even if it doesn’t sound as good as Mark’s.
The songs I made were simple and nothing to boast about, but I feel content just from having to create what I love the most for the girl I cherish the most. I tried to imagine how she would look when she listened to our songs. I wondered how she would feel if she learned that I made them because of her. She might feel flattered and overwhelmed and embarrassed all at the same time. A faint blush will definitely appear on her cheeks as well. But I am not going to tell her that, at least not anytime soon. I didn’t want her to think that I am pushing her to the corner just so she would accept being my girlfriend. I wanted her to tell me how she really felt without any bias. All I wanted was to make her happy, and it would be better if she can be by my side. I know that this was a big gamble and my life is at stake, but what can I do? I fell in love with a girl I knew so little about. And whether she make me or break me is all up to her. Damn, I wanted to see her soon.
We started to play the last song, which is literally a confession turned into music. It started with upbeat drum notes, and slowly turned to a bitter and mellow tune, before once again peaking to lively notes. The tune of the song kept going up and down but I made it that way. My bandmates liked it too, and even my cousin does. What they did not know is that the song was an incomplete and imperfect piece. There will never be a perfect confession and it is for that matter that the song is imperfect. And a confession will never be complete without an answer. There is actually an unseen and unheard second part of the song that is known only to me. Unless I heard her answer, no one, not even her, would be able to hear that composition.
I strummed on the strings of my guitar for the last notes of the song. “So tell me please, have you decided to be mine?”
I smirked bitterly after the last line. I always do whenever we finished that song. I am uncertain whether she would give me a yes or a no. It breaks me inside whenever I think of the high possibility that I would be rejected. But I would be the happiest if she decided to be with me. Just thinking about these things is driving me insane. Actually, I have no idea how I managed to stay sane for the past few days, since I realized that I really liked her, that I love her, without having to make a move on her. I am not exactly a bad boy, but not really a good guy either, so it is pretty hard to endure my desires. I want her to be mine for real. Whatever should I do for that to happen?
After playing the same set twice and continuously, we finally decide to take a break. I took a deep breath and relaxed myself before sitting on the edge of the platform, the bitter smirk slowly disappearing from my face.
“Water, Jay?” Chris offered.
“Yeah.” I simply answered and he handed me a normal bottled water, not a cold one.
“Isn’t she home yet?” Nate asked impatiently. As much as I don’t want to, it was decided that he will pick her up from her apartment. Honestly, it only adds to my worries.
“No, I don’t think so. She told me that she will tell me once she’s on the way back.” I answered shaking my head. It’s been four hours now since I last received her message and she has not contacted me yet. I don’t want to call her either because I don’t want to disturb whatever it is she needed to attend to. I can only wait for now, but I don’t know if I can still do it patiently.
“She really never told you what it is about?” Mark asked.
“No dude. She only told me that she will be delayed because of something that suddenly came up.” I answered. I just hope that it was nothing bad, but she did say that it wasn’t an emergency.
“Should we just try to visit her apartment? I mean it’s already getting late.” Chris offered. I glanced at my watch. It was already past eight and the skies have turned completely dark.
“I second the motion.” Nate agreed while Mark only stared at me, waiting for my decision. Was that the best thing to do? I don’t know it myself either. I am pretty anxious about her lateness as well but I want to believe her words. The guys were silent, just waiting for me to give them the go signal. I sighed in defeat. I wanted to wait longer but I can’t make the guys wait together with me.
“Thirty minutes.” I answered. “Someone is going there in thirty.”
I took out my phone and unwillingly sent her a message.
Are you ready yet?
It would seemed like I am being possessive of her, which I wouldn’t deny, but I can’t make the guys wait together with me for who knows how long. I could wait forever and these guys would definitely wait together with me but I don’t want that. They don’t have any gain in this and this is only for my sake. It was my selfishness that dragged them into this.
“Just shot her a message. Watch out for her reply.” I informed them and stood from the platform, leaving my phone behind. I picked up my guitar and walked away from the guys, needing some time alone to think. I randomly strummed on the strings as my thoughts drifted to her.
I don’t know how long is later but I want to believe in her words. I knew she would be coming but I don’t know what’s taking her so long. She’s not backing out the last minute right? Why would she even do that? Because of her ex? I don’t think she would actually be going back to him but it would all makes sense if she did. I could only hope that I was only thinking too much about this. At the very least, it was far better than something bad happening to her.
“Sht!” I was suddenly brought back to reality when I felt a sharp pain on my finger. The string of the guitar broke, cutting through the skin of my finger. It was bleeding pretty badly for a small cut.
“Are you okay Jay?” I was startled at Mark’s voice. The three were already standing near me for I don’t know how long.
“Yeah, I guess. Just a small cut.” I answered.
“It sure bled pretty badly for a small cut.” He tried to be sarcastic but he sounded more stern.
“Do any of you happen to have any plasters?” I asked ignoring Mark’s remark.
“I have a first aid kit back in my car. Let’s go get it.” He answered and started walking back to the roadside where our cars were parked.
“Wait!” Nate exclaimed. “Was that a new song?” He asked excitedly, like a little kid who just witnessed something extremely amazing.
“What are you talking about?” I asked in confusion. Was he talking about my random strumming earlier? That couldn’t be it right?
“You were playing the guitar with this really good music dude.” He said and acted as if he was playing a guitar.
“That was just some random strumming.” I answered.
“I don’t think so. It was following a certain tune and it was arranged nicely for a random strumming.” Chris joined in.
“Maybe a coincidence. But really that was just something random.” I reasoned.
“I’m not buying that.” Chris said.
“Me neither.” Nate followed.
“Ah, whatever.” I waved them off and started to follow Mark.
I walked behind Mark as we trailed back to the road. It was already dark making it difficult to see where I am walking to. We got to his car safely without acquiring another injury on the way. Nate dashed out to the road as soon as he learned that she is done with her sudden appointment, while Chris just finalized everything with our layout.
“Here.” He placed the box over the hood of his car. “Can you do it yourself?”
“I’m not a kid dude.” I answered flatly.
“Clean it first before you plaster it.” He sternly instructed. Sometimes Mark could act so brotherly, or fatherly even.
“Yes, yes.” I answered unwillingly. I just actually wanted to wiped the blood off my finger and plaster it immediately. I can’t do that though because I can feel the wary eyes of my friend as I tend to my wound. “Still, I can’t believe that you’ll have a first aid kit in your car.”
He was silent for a while until I noticed his lips formed into a smirk. Did he just remember something? “Let’s say that a certain someone always trips and falls and things of the sort.”
“Sounds like my sister to me. Remember how she always has plasters on her arms or legs?” I mentioned and continued on cleaning the bloody wound. The disinfectant stung and but it was not something a man couldn’t handle.
“Yeah. Your sister is one clumsy girl.” He mentioned in a smooth and gentle voice. I thought something was odd because as far as I remembr, Mark and Jane bickers a lot, maybe lesser than her and Nate. I did not mind it too much though. I have better things to think of at the moment.
We returned to our made-up stage and joined up with Chris who seemed to be playing a familiar music. Mark and I watched and listened as he continued his playing, acknowledging us only with a nod. It was then that I realized what he was playing. Some notes are off but I know the music far too well. It was my creation.
“Hold up!” I got both of their attention. “How did you know that song?” I demanded.
“It was the one you were playing earlier as you randomly strum. I tried playing it from what I’ve heard but some notes were wrong.” Chris explained. My unheard of music was revealed to my friends just because I was in a daze. Seriously?
“This is a new song, right?” Mark smirked at me. I grumbled under my breath.
“It is a new song but I wasn’t planning on revealing about it yet. So please, can you just forget about that for now?” I almost begged. I did not make it for them to hear first. At the very least I want her to be the first one to hear it.
“Another song for her eh?” Mark remarked. “We started having original songs since you met her, which is good.”
“It will be a bad thing if she left you. I don’t know what would happen to our band if that ever happened.” Chris thoughtlessly said.
“Don’t say that dude!” I warned sternly. I can’t let any of that happen. Both losing her and the band will kill me. But the thought was stuck in my head. There is that possibility as well but I have no idea what would actually happen.
“Don’t worry. None of that will happen.” I answered confidently though it felt more like I was trying to convince myself. I really hope that neither of the two would happen.
Subject for revision, as usual. And anyone who actually reads the whole story might hate me for the next chapter. It’s ready to be published and I will do it next Saturday.
I’m still reading Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne series. I’m currently reading Anne’s House of Dreams. I slowed down in reading the story because I was too excited when I read Grren Gables, Avonlea and Island that I actually thought it over even before I go to sleep, hence not getting any sleep at all. And I believe that there is an old movie and TV series for this story as well, and I don’t know how I could ever watch them. I wanted to see the movie at least.
19/07/2014 § 1 Comment
2nd November XXXX
The one thing I least expected already happened. I never thought that there would be that possibility. I never imagined that there is at least one percent chance that it would ever occur, but it did. It was something that had never crossed my mind nor something that I could have dreamed of. Maybe, if that chance meeting with Jacob never occured, it would be the only thing I would be waiting for every second. However, things were different and the me right now did not even have the chance to think about anything related to the matter. Still, the fact that it came was something that I could do nothing about. The moment that it should happen is already here.
One message. That was only what took him to cause chaos in my mind. It was only three words from him that put my emotions into a whirpool of confusion.
Can we talk?
If truth be told, I don’t know. Could we? Should we? Would I be fine talking to him after a week? Iknow that eventually this day will come, however, I did not expected it to be this soon. We used to plan for days we could go on dates but things were different now. We were not meeting up for a date. We were meeting up to talk, a seirous talk. I am not sure whether it was the right thing to do but I agreed. I agreed because whatever we were going to talk about or whatever happens when we meet, I know that Jacob will still be there for me. I know that he was willing to listen to me. I am sure that he will comfort me and make me feel at ease like he had always done. I know that no matter what he will still stay by my side. I maybe too confident about it but I just feel that it will be like that.
It was the sound of the doorbell ringing throughout the front room that informed me that the moment is finally there. The last second anxiety crept up on me. It will be the first time that I am meeting him all by myself. Am I ready? No, I don’t think any kind of preparation could help me. All I have to do is held my head high and go through it without breaking myself into tiny pieces once again.
When I opened the door, nostalgia overcame me. It felt strangely familiar and new to me at the same time. He was there standing just outside my apartment in his charismatic stature just like how he has done in the past. The only difference is that, now, I don’t feel anything but anxiety. The excitement and giddiness that I used to feel whenever I meet him was not there. I feel nothing but anxiety. Should I be worried about how I felt? I mean, I finally met the guy who used to be my boyfriend for five years but I was not feeling anything. It was like my emotions was all drained out of me, leaving my body as a vessel to receive what is yet to come. Maybe I really am weird.
If I look back a few days ago, when I just met Jacob, I would simulate situations when we finally meet again. It was mostly me doing nothing but inflicting pain upon myself. A few days ago, I have thought that I would be hurt when I see him again. I thought that surely I would break into unstoppable tears and beg him to come back to me. But that was before I get to know Jacob and his merry band of friends. Now, those thoughts were burried in the farthest back of my mind.
It felt like that time that I saw him by chance in the cafe was a foreboding of what is yet to come. Truthfully, I felt like I was about to cry at that time but not a single tear break through my facade. I was able to hold my tears and my composure. Now, my thoughts of being broken once again when we meet seemed like a silly dream. I didn’t break into tears nor did I feel upset about it. Now, I could think nothing of the guy who stood before me except that he was only the person who used to be my boyfriend and childhood friend. Somehow, it seemed like I am some cold hearted woman, but maybe I really am.
Who would have thought that spending a few days with a not-long-ago stranger could change me this much. I have been dependent on my friends and my ex-boyfriend. I have always kept myself to the comfort that they have provided me. I thought that it was time for me to break free from their care. In the end, however, I had Jacob who helped me with the task. And because of him I was able to change myself. I became stronger and braver. I can stand tall without letting my silly insecurities get the best of me.
At first I was undecided on whether I should agree on meeting him or not. He wanted to see me and talk to me on the same day that I planned to meet with Jacob. But if I were to tell Jacob everything, I thought that it would be better to clear my feelings about my past relationship first. Somehow I felt like doing it that way would ease me of any worries afterwards. I had informed Jacob that I would be late for whatever surprise he was preparing for me. He doesn’t seem to be that much concerned about it when I told him that it was not an emergency.
Alright, I’ll wait. See you later, Angel.
That was his last message. I wanted to see him too and I hope it could be sooner. I know nothing of the surprise that he was preparing for me but that was just like him. I have always been surprised of everything that we did for the past week. Fishing, firing a gun, a night race, cooking, seeing a meteor shower, being surrounded by fireflies, and even listening to a live music being played for me…All the things we did, and all the things I did with him were things that I never would have thought, no, I could never even think of, happening in my life.
And yes. I already prepared myself about telling him how I truly feel about him. I may have just gotten out of a relationship, but at least I could convey to him my thoughts and feelings about him. It was not only because of Kyle’s dare. It was also I want to know what he thought of me, and how he felt about me. I can’t wait for tonight to come faster. I want to see him and be by his side again.
Subject for revision. Anything found to be inconsistent with previous and future chaptres shall be revised accordingly.
Just an update, though no one might be interested: I have been reading Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gable. I was done with that book, but I was on the third book of the story. My words at the moment were probably inflicted with how the story was written. But hey, I find Anne really interesting, and I only have a copy until the third book at the moment. I was dying to find the fourth and fifth copy because I am reading too fast that I finished the second book in two nights. I’m taking my time with the third book seeing that I haven’t anything to follow it. And honestly, I wanted to read a story written in Gilbert Blythe’s point of view. Oh, I know I’m talking nonsense right now. Why, I am nothing but in love with the story. And I find pure and innocent love affairs of the old times thousand times more romantic that the lewd ones of today. Yours truly, the little street cat 🙂