Doubt’s Pit

28/08/2012 § Leave a comment

I am stuck…snugly lying within my comfort zone. Firmly holing onto the things I adore. Sadly, it was not so much good for an attitude. Like hoping so much to relive yesterday. As if the hands of time would turn back and rewind everything that happened solely for me.

I am tied down. My words are chains keeping me from the future. My depression became a seal that kept me on hiatus and stuck on yesterday’s time. I was bound to dream yet dreams are like wings with a life of its own. Opportunities come to me yet my time, frozen cold and stiff, are holding me back. Thus, the wings of my dreams began moving, leaving me, who cannot keep up, behind.

I am shrouded with doubts and fears. For sometime, advancing a step forward would be impossible. Rejection brought forth such a devastating emotion, locking my joyous ambitions sealed in a time capsule of the past buried down a hole beyond my reach. So, my present was filled with struggles of coping. It was so frustrating that as I am stuck now, I was being held back even further. For how long should I wait to catch up with those dreams that fled from my grasp even before I actually started to pursue them?

It was unknown to me how I can move forward and such uncertainty brings me more doubts to gain success. It was like a hazy illusion formed in the mist that will disappear once the mist disintegrates. I fear the unknown for I have not even a tiny bit of idea what that is. Knowledge holds power and gives me a feeling of confidence. Not knowing, on the other hand, keeps me silent and unmotivated. Ignorance is a fearsome thing and only knowledge can counter it.

As I speak, mostly of my complaints and my fears, nothing was being done and changed. My complaining does not start anything nor stating my fears does rid myself of them. There was a kind of comfort from speaking one’s worries. It does not rid me of any obligations but it alleviates my heavy emotions hence motivating me to take simple actions. But, still certainty will not be on my side; it was never on anyone’s side to begin with for there was no certainty with anything. It was so simple of a thing that being alive and living has taught me and still I am a worrywart. I believe that was part of my character and I cannot change it but it doesn’t make certainty my enemy of any sort.

Time is not my enemy either, nor was it my comrade. It would, however, sometimes go against my plans and sometimes it plays along my acts and that makes me overjoyed causing me to feel as if I am a lucky girl. Lately, however, it has stood still on me. It stopped moving and that frozen time has been piling up and one day it will be way too enormous that I won’t be able to use them all. Indeed, time has stopped for me but it does not render my life to stay still as well. Life goes on as everyone says. My life will continue to flow in a disturbed manner for time stood still on me. I need to cope to how life is moving around me despite my time staying as it is on that day a long time ago. I am catching up with life but I am not saving the time that stopped. It would be more like wasting it for I cannot use it appropriately. It is a great wonder what would cause my time to continue moving forward. A touch of hand of someone who would someday be precious? A word or two from someone who has been there from the start? Or simply a realization devoid of all romanticism?

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