30/08/2012 § Leave a comment
Yep! I decided to start mixing some personal journal in this blog. I would say that all stuff in this blog has been personal so far, so this portion would just be about me and stuff happening around me. This is simply a journal.
La Vie En Le Jour. I asked google to translate it for me in English and it gave me the answer “life by days”. I wouldn’t say that was the accurate translation either. Would it sound better if I used the English counterpart instead? Or if I changed it into “days by life“? I am not too certain about this stuff to be honest but I just feel like using some French words for a change.
There’s this saying that goes “adding life into your years than adding years into your life” or something like that. So maybe my journal sounded like that in a way? It would actually be better to add life into each day I had since life is too short and I wouldn’t know when mine would end. And keeping a record of every idiotic and funny thing I did was more fun than forgetting them until someone remembered tham for me. I used to keep a journal of each day before, and I find the things I did before to be embarassing when I read it after so long. Memories are either trashed or treasured but they will always be remembered.
And, yes, my first post in this category is just a kind of introduction. I don’t consider it a waste either since even before I always skip the first few pages of my journals. I don’t know why I do that though.
So, dear future me, the me right now is kind of keen in keeping record of her life as the days pass, so that one day in the far future her present self can read them and laugh and cry about the most trivial things she did in the past. You and I are the same, from one body and one soul. The only difference is time but with this journal containing the records of our life, I believe we are connected even through time.
28/08/2012 § Leave a comment
I am stuck…snugly lying within my comfort zone. Firmly holing onto the things I adore. Sadly, it was not so much good for an attitude. Like hoping so much to relive yesterday. As if the hands of time would turn back and rewind everything that happened solely for me.
I am tied down. My words are chains keeping me from the future. My depression became a seal that kept me on hiatus and stuck on yesterday’s time. I was bound to dream yet dreams are like wings with a life of its own. Opportunities come to me yet my time, frozen cold and stiff, are holding me back. Thus, the wings of my dreams began moving, leaving me, who cannot keep up, behind.
I am shrouded with doubts and fears. For sometime, advancing a step forward would be impossible. Rejection brought forth such a devastating emotion, locking my joyous ambitions sealed in a time capsule of the past buried down a hole beyond my reach. So, my present was filled with struggles of coping. It was so frustrating that as I am stuck now, I was being held back even further. For how long should I wait to catch up with those dreams that fled from my grasp even before I actually started to pursue them?
It was unknown to me how I can move forward and such uncertainty brings me more doubts to gain success. It was like a hazy illusion formed in the mist that will disappear once the mist disintegrates. I fear the unknown for I have not even a tiny bit of idea what that is. Knowledge holds power and gives me a feeling of confidence. Not knowing, on the other hand, keeps me silent and unmotivated. Ignorance is a fearsome thing and only knowledge can counter it.
As I speak, mostly of my complaints and my fears, nothing was being done and changed. My complaining does not start anything nor stating my fears does rid myself of them. There was a kind of comfort from speaking one’s worries. It does not rid me of any obligations but it alleviates my heavy emotions hence motivating me to take simple actions. But, still certainty will not be on my side; it was never on anyone’s side to begin with for there was no certainty with anything. It was so simple of a thing that being alive and living has taught me and still I am a worrywart. I believe that was part of my character and I cannot change it but it doesn’t make certainty my enemy of any sort.
Time is not my enemy either, nor was it my comrade. It would, however, sometimes go against my plans and sometimes it plays along my acts and that makes me overjoyed causing me to feel as if I am a lucky girl. Lately, however, it has stood still on me. It stopped moving and that frozen time has been piling up and one day it will be way too enormous that I won’t be able to use them all. Indeed, time has stopped for me but it does not render my life to stay still as well. Life goes on as everyone says. My life will continue to flow in a disturbed manner for time stood still on me. I need to cope to how life is moving around me despite my time staying as it is on that day a long time ago. I am catching up with life but I am not saving the time that stopped. It would be more like wasting it for I cannot use it appropriately. It is a great wonder what would cause my time to continue moving forward. A touch of hand of someone who would someday be precious? A word or two from someone who has been there from the start? Or simply a realization devoid of all romanticism?